Me and my madness…
Madness is a sickness and a blessing in between… With it, I can create a whole world inside my head… I can contain all the monsters… pain… anxiety… anger and depression in one room… i can draw and sketch faces out of these emotional distress I am feeling…
Today, I turn 48, I can’t say those years where a shit load of ugliness. No. I’ve seen the best days in the past but I also fucked it up. I fucked it up really bad! I became Dr. Frankenstein and created all sorts of monsters for my deeds… And now these monsters are destroying me from the inside…
Maybe I’m just tired. Being a prisoner of my own world for so many years, i’m imagining that freedom is more of a curse than liberation. It’s inside this dwelling that i design and develop my dark artworks; pieces of my wretched being that I’d rather ink than let it lose outside my zone.
People say I’m demonically possessed but I always yell back at them with a smile and say: “It’s not possession, It’s union…” I feel in harmony with my demons… They keep me calm and they never judge me… With them, I feel a certain ambiance of serenity… I’d rather have them in my head than outside wreaking havoc again and hurting the ones I love…
With all that had happened this year… I expected understanding , comfort and to tell me it’s ok to grieve… but instead, i get anger, insults and profanity… a blatant way of showing love and care… but hey! Expectation is indeed a thief of Joy… I fear that this is more likely to shatter than be fixed… i always say that but this time, after all the shitty pain, i’ve experienced, it’ll happen… There’s one thing I’m sure of, is that… I fucked up… but do i deserve eternal punishment? … maybe yes!
My Thoughts
Life is unfair. Life is brutal. I should be thankful I have a job that put feeds my family. I should be appreciative of what I have and all the blessings… Fuck it! I feel depressed. I am anxious. I am confused. And with all of these all I know by heart and mind is that I can’t do this alone.
Happiness is only real when shared.
It’s a good movie with a sad ending…