The Agony Inside Never Leaves and I Get to Live with It Everyday

They say that it gets easier as days pass by. But guess what? 24 hours seem like a lifetime for me.

The agony inside never leaves and I get to live with it everyday. There are times I feel alone. I go down to where they sleep and imagine them resting, trying to feel comfortable on their makeshift beds, waiting for another day and wake up to be with us. But these are just images. Images I create in my mind hoping that they are still alive. But they’re gone.

The regrets I feel is like rust corroding a sheet of metal. Not a single day that I wish I could’ve done more. I wish I could’ve at least given them a comfortable room. I wish I could’ve taken them to special places for a vacation. I wish I could’ve given them a better life than what they had. I wish I could’ve been a better son to them and sensitive to their needs and happiness. I wish…

This is my darkened room where I take in every bit of pain that stabs my being longing to change the past, wondering if I’ve ever been the son they deserve… I wasn’t. I know. I can’t apologize anymore. My sorry will be useless. I don’t blame myself for their passing. I blame myself for not being able to show them how much I love them, for not spending more quality time with them and for not even hugging them enough. Neglect has its consequences. All I can do is scream inside and wallow.

I cannot change the past. I cannot drown myself in depression. Yet I cannot pretend that everything inside my head is well and ok. But in all of these… Life goes on… no matter the hurting…

This is my darkened room… beyond the reach of God’s faith…

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